Starting out

Hi,
I'm starting a blog to actually use to vent off my feelings and thoughts. I can't use a diary because I'll lose the key... and diary. Can't use letter writing because my mum always finds it. Can't do it on Facebook or a document on my computer... So why not a blog?

Anyway, my most recent problem at the moment is that I've loved this guy for almost six years now... and I don't mean a simple little crush, I mean a proper want to grow old with him in love. But he doesn't feel the same way. We're best friends I guess you could say; to him piratically like brother and sister, best place to be in the field of love... NOT!

At present he loves a girl called Amy, she's pretty and smart and an old girlfriend of his. Now she doesn't want to go out with him - and I quote - , "ever again"! I haven't had the heart to tell him that because I fear the look on his face will be full of rejection. And I also hadn't given up on the idea of him realizing I love him and he realizes he loves me too (like that would ever happen.)

On Friday 11th November 2011, I heard that apparently he'd kiss a girl called Shannon who is a girl who worships the ground he walks on. I didn't believe it and he tried to deny it at first. then I heard from a friend that they both eventually admitted to it. My friend Cerise also received an email from him saying he knew I loved him and his words were, "I know Phillippa likes me, God." then he explained how he knew, "Because the look in her eyes and the way she talks to me, Geeshhhhh." (A ruff quote.) So that's what my supposed "best friend/ brother" thought of the idea that I "liked" him.
My true feelings are hurt. But I'm used to the pain of rejection from him and I just added the new scar on my heart to the rest of my collection.

What hurt most was that he also sent to Cerise when she asked why he kissed Shannon if he loved Amy... His reply; "I love Amy, Shannon is a friend with benefits." Yeah........ that hurt more than all the rejections I'd received from him every time he got a new girlfriend.

Lukas isn't or wasn't like that....... I don't think. He's been my strength when I was sad, scared, lonely. He even got really angry when I had a run in with a bad boyfriend (an attempt to get over Lukas....... It didn't even give me a breather away from him). If I'm upset or depressed he gets all worried that he's the cause of my depression.
So why..................... why?......................... Why would he do all that for me if the guy I've loved was only a mask? Why was it I was the only one - am the only one who loves him for the kind, gentle, caring guy? Why is it that all the girls who love him like him when he's all gobby and chavy and not him?! Just......... why? I would give my life just to know why he's different with me. If it's not because he loves me then why?

I don't want to love him anymore. It hurts too much and the Lukas I recently met is not the one I've ripped my heart open many times for. I don't want to go through the pain I go through everyday, when I look in the mirror and think "If I had: ivory soft skin, Glossy hair, Swim suit model body, bigger/ prettier eyes. Lukas would probably look for a second longer and think, Phillippa's always been there for me..."

The worse part is; even though the real him is a complete prick. I still believe the Lukas I love is somewhere inside him. And I will somehow meet the guy I love again...... I won't give up. There's no excuse for giving up just because it looks like I'm going to lose. I have to try because the other choice it to surrender. And I'm not a quitter. I'm not going to bow my head to something I believe is wrong. I know what I want and I am determined to make my wish reality.......

For Lukas to finally realize he is loved and that he doesn't have to be angry anymore with life, because his real friends are here...... waiting.

Phillippa.
xxx