Nanowrimo

I know I don't usually post two days in a row so you can probably guess it's because I've got news.

Ok well some of you may know about the famous (or not) novel writing competition NaNoWriMo.

Well for those who don't; every year on the 1st November you have to write 50,000 words and send it to them by the end of the month (which is today for me). I took part in it for the first time ever and................................................................................................... I FINISHED THE TARGET!!!! AND I'VE PAST!!! I'M A NANOWRIMO WINNER!!! WHOOOOOOOO-HOOOOOOOO!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Sorry..... lost myself there. But I've decided I'll put up a chapter of what I've written every week starting January. I just want to see how everyone else likes it.

Also I've been threatened again by the same person as yesterday...... I know I should be scared for myself but I'm not..... I'm scared for my little sister who is also being threatened :( xxxx

Thank you for reading my blog,
Love,
Phillippa
xxx

Cross Country.

Today was cross country and I came 21st out of 38!!!! I'm actually very proud of myself because I couldn't breath when I did it. I've had a cold recently that won't go away about today I just couldn't breathe at all. last year I came 19th, I guess 21st's still good but I've go down in progression.

In the changing rooms I threw up in the bathroom and almost fainted. All the girls know in my year because a girl named Jessica Fulleton knew and shouted it out to everyone. A few of the boys found out within seconds, which means it's only a matter of time before Lukas finds out.
And when he does I'm gunna bloody shit myself. Lukas is very protective and caring towards me and if I am hurt in any way, he goes crazy with worry. I don't want him to worry about me, so I've asked my friends to say that it's just a rhoumor. Lizzie (who calmed down and we are back on track) offered to say that it was actually her throwing up in the bathroom.

I'm not going to school tomorrow though because me forcing myself to do cross country in gale force winds at  70mph  with my cold has worsened my condition and I feel shit again.... yay! Not.

I want to go to school tomorrow. This may sound completely stupid but I only want to go to school to see Lukas. That means I'm in love with him right? I'm not sure anymore my friends say it's just "first love" and apparently that it stays with you forever. I'm pretty sure that "first love" could make me feel this way towards Lukas. I love him..... I guess I will always love him.
I know I say that pratically every post, but it's true and this blog page was made so I could vent my feelings. Like a diary, though my diary has darker secrets than this blog and no I'm not going to post any.

Well that's all from me today,
Love,
Phillippa
xxx
P.S Oh!!! I almost forgot, I've got a new little foster brother and he threatened me and now his sister whom I've never met says that she's going to "batter me" because apparently he wouldn't have threatened me unless I did something to him..... I just refused to let him in my room..... SOMEONE CALL THE POLICE!!! (I say very sarcastically) So anyway, she wants to kill me.

I guess threatening people for no apparent reason runs in their family. :/

Nothing really important.

Well it's been probably a few weeks since last time I posted. Nothing really has happened. I became ill, I've panicked about homework and a novel I'm writing for a contest that needs to be up to 50,000 by the end of November.

Oh, when I came back to school on the Thursday 24th of November after being off since that Monday. Lukas saw me and the first thing he said was, "Monday I needed you, you weren't here. Tuesday I needed you, you weren't here. Wednesday I needed you, you weren't here. Thursday..." I then cut him off and shouted "I'm here!"  And he hugged me although I didn't ask for one. For a moment I thought it was because he finally realized that he felt something more that just friendship between us, though my fantasies were short lived when he told me what he needed me for.
Apparently he was scared to talk to Amy Carr, and didn't know how to get her on her own so he could talk to her. I felt like I'd been hit by a bus. I didn't know what to do. So for the next two days before the weekend I was trying to help him, by giving him advice and telling him how girls think and giving him hope and courage. But now that I'm sitting here and thinking about it, I feel horrible.

I'm basically wrapping the guy I love in fancy Christmas wrapping and giving it to a girl who doesn't even want to be with him. She doesn't deserve Lukas. He's much more important and special to be wasted like that. I'm not saying I deserve him either, but I just want Lukas to be happy and feel like, for once in his life he's got someone he can love and bear his soul to.

I just don't think that person is Amy Carr. I don't believe she's the girl he should do that with. Though he believes she is and I guess that can't be helped. He'll just have to figure that out the hard way. When he does though, I just hope he realizes that I'm here to catch him, and that he can always talk to me.

I just love him so much and the saying goes; If you love someone, let them go.
Well that's what I'm doing and I'm helping him take his steps to a better place with some he loves. He'll never love me and I guess I'm ok with that. I never really did see the two of us together (though everyone else does)  I just wish him the best of luck.

I hope though that my heart is strong enough to hold out long enough to help him get Amy. At the rate I'm going, I'm scared that my heart will shatter before I've had time to plaster it again.

Love from,
Phillippa
xxx

Oh and my supposed "best friend" Got angry today because I didn't want to do her youtube vid for her channel. The thing takes ages to get ready and finished and she knew I had to do my novel. She thinks I'm being selfish. But I want to be an author when I'm older. I can't see myself doing anything else. Her youtube channel isn't going to help her become the police woman she wants to be.
If I just skipped one day it's fine - well to me. She cancelled last week for no apparent reason and I just want to cancel this week because I have something important to me to do. If she was a true friend wouldn't she be supportive? I asked a few of my friends on twitter and they all agreed with me.

I feel horrible when we fight but she doesn't like it when things don't go her way. I'm not going to jump across oceans to keep her happy. I'd rather sit and do French work with Dr. Haddouche than bend to her will.


If you want to follow me on twitter my name is: PippypooparTW

Hi,
I've been wanting to put up a new post, however I either keep forgetting or I haven't got enough time. I must say I'm not making this a priority!

Well anyway to make it short as possible today so I may go to sleep; Lukas claimed that he hadn't sent the emails..... I want to believe him and I also didn't. If he had written them it wouldn't be so painful to try get over him. But now that I know he didn't write them, it's like there's a magnetic pull towards him. I feel safe with him, happy; complete.

I know it probably sounds like all teenagers love stories, about how they love a guy sooooooo much. But the thing is, it's not in a childish way. I'm actually in love with him. No amount of therapy or rejection will be able to make me deny this.

I went to speak to him on Monday 14th. He knew what was coming; my friend Lizzie had went to yell at him and therefore he knew what was waiting for him. I went up to him and all I said was "Can we talk in private?" and we walked far enough to be out of hearing range.
I so wanted to be angry and stubborn, but he looked so sad. Everyone thinks Cerise was the one who wrote the emails................... I don't know what to believe but Cerise is my friend no matter what.
I was still quite angry (more at myself for how weak my self control is), just when he said "Cerise is trying to ruin my life," (there was a load of examples) "Now she's trying to make you hate me." And god he looked so sad and depressed I just wanted to hold him and protect him from anything that could possibly hurt him ever again................. I sound like something a guy should say about the woman he loves......... gross.

To make things worse; Cerise then came storming over as me and Lukas were walking back. She was going to hit him and that was clear, without even a thought other than "no" I stepped in front of him!!!!!!!  I PROTECTED HIM!!!!!!!!!!!! I'VE NEVER DONE ANYTHING MORE EMBARRASSING IN MY LIFE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

He still hasn't realized my true feelings towards him... :/



Anyway today which is the 17th Thursday. Our school started the children in need because we have awards evening tomorrow. So me Lizzie, Cerise, Catreena and Rose all got together and made cakes, chocolates and badges to sell today for the charity.
We raised.......................................................................................................................: £145.19p!!!!!!!!!!!!
I'm so happy and proud of all my friends! We're not keeping any of the money. It's all going to children in need to help those who need it!!!!!!!!!!!!! :D

My life is a bit like a roller-coaster...... Maybe I could write a good book when I'm older about my life in high school and use this blog as info check points!!!!  :D

Love,
Phillippa, xxx

Venting my feelings: Starting out

Venting my feelings: Starting out: Hi, I'm starting a blog to actually use to vent off my feelings and thoughts. I can't use a diary because I'll lose the key... and diary. C...

Starting out

Hi,
I'm starting a blog to actually use to vent off my feelings and thoughts. I can't use a diary because I'll lose the key... and diary. Can't use letter writing because my mum always finds it. Can't do it on Facebook or a document on my computer... So why not a blog?

Anyway, my most recent problem at the moment is that I've loved this guy for almost six years now... and I don't mean a simple little crush, I mean a proper want to grow old with him in love. But he doesn't feel the same way. We're best friends I guess you could say; to him piratically like brother and sister, best place to be in the field of love... NOT!

At present he loves a girl called Amy, she's pretty and smart and an old girlfriend of his. Now she doesn't want to go out with him - and I quote - , "ever again"! I haven't had the heart to tell him that because I fear the look on his face will be full of rejection. And I also hadn't given up on the idea of him realizing I love him and he realizes he loves me too (like that would ever happen.)

On Friday 11th November 2011, I heard that apparently he'd kiss a girl called Shannon who is a girl who worships the ground he walks on. I didn't believe it and he tried to deny it at first. then I heard from a friend that they both eventually admitted to it. My friend Cerise also received an email from him saying he knew I loved him and his words were, "I know Phillippa likes me, God." then he explained how he knew, "Because the look in her eyes and the way she talks to me, Geeshhhhh." (A ruff quote.) So that's what my supposed "best friend/ brother" thought of the idea that I "liked" him.
My true feelings are hurt. But I'm used to the pain of rejection from him and I just added the new scar on my heart to the rest of my collection.

What hurt most was that he also sent to Cerise when she asked why he kissed Shannon if he loved Amy... His reply; "I love Amy, Shannon is a friend with benefits." Yeah........ that hurt more than all the rejections I'd received from him every time he got a new girlfriend.

Lukas isn't or wasn't like that....... I don't think. He's been my strength when I was sad, scared, lonely. He even got really angry when I had a run in with a bad boyfriend (an attempt to get over Lukas....... It didn't even give me a breather away from him). If I'm upset or depressed he gets all worried that he's the cause of my depression.
So why..................... why?......................... Why would he do all that for me if the guy I've loved was only a mask? Why was it I was the only one - am the only one who loves him for the kind, gentle, caring guy? Why is it that all the girls who love him like him when he's all gobby and chavy and not him?! Just......... why? I would give my life just to know why he's different with me. If it's not because he loves me then why?

I don't want to love him anymore. It hurts too much and the Lukas I recently met is not the one I've ripped my heart open many times for. I don't want to go through the pain I go through everyday, when I look in the mirror and think "If I had: ivory soft skin, Glossy hair, Swim suit model body, bigger/ prettier eyes. Lukas would probably look for a second longer and think, Phillippa's always been there for me..."

The worse part is; even though the real him is a complete prick. I still believe the Lukas I love is somewhere inside him. And I will somehow meet the guy I love again...... I won't give up. There's no excuse for giving up just because it looks like I'm going to lose. I have to try because the other choice it to surrender. And I'm not a quitter. I'm not going to bow my head to something I believe is wrong. I know what I want and I am determined to make my wish reality.......

For Lukas to finally realize he is loved and that he doesn't have to be angry anymore with life, because his real friends are here...... waiting.

Phillippa.
xxx